Not All Who Wander are Aimless
To be single, no kids, and working as a freelancer at thirty is pretty out of the norm.
I often find myself talking to people who have chosen differently, and although they don’t understand my lifestyle and my choices - they support my cause (maybe because I’m so passionate about it).
This support goes both ways - mine for them in their lifestyle, theirs for mine in my lifestyle.
I’ve tried very hard to understand and lean into the “norm”. Get married, have kids, get nice cars and a big house, live a calm life climbing someone else’s ladder.
For some reason, I just can’t bite the apple.
Opportunity after opportunity has presented itself to me and none of them fit quite right. A shoe that’s too small and someone else is tying the laces.
Maybe I’m noncommittal. Maybe I’ll regret this when I’m 50 and all my friends have nice houses and grown up kids, there is really no way of knowing - I just know that right now, I can’t dive in.
In preparation for a big project I’ll be working on over the next month, I just finished watching Mona Lisa Smile.
Set in the 50’s and the wake of the feminism movement, Julia Roberts plays a professor at Wellesley College, the most prestigious women’s college of that time and still one of the most elite all women schools in the world. Her character is passionate about showing her students, twenty-something females, that there is more to life than being a wife and they don’t have to sacrifice themselves in favor of the male gaze.
The movie highlights women living a life on her terms, without permission.
After watching, I can see multiple parallels in my life and the professor played by Julia Roberts. I, like her, am a women whose mission is to be a disruptor.
My Granny was a committed wife and there has never been a day of her marriage, or since meeting my Grampa, that she hasn’t been totally devoted to him. He is her hero, her love, her best friend.
She sacrificed all of her dreams, willingly, to be by his side as his unwavering support so he could pursue his dreams.
At 89 years old, she is now suffering from dementia and my family, most especially my Mom, has been the target of a lot of emotional attacks coming from her. I’ve always believed this stemmed from unrealized dreams, unhealed trauma, and always putting my Grampa ahead of herself.
If you asked my Granny now, I highly doubt she would change a thing, but as her granddaughter watching, it’s hard to fathom.
Recently, she was telling me that eventually I would find a nice guy and I had to break the news to her that I’ve found nice guys, but that type of commitment isn’t what I’m looking for right now. I’m committed to myself.
She looked at me, and in her deep Scottish accent said “well good for you, hen!”
I went on to tell her that I’ve made it my personal responsibility to carry the baton for all the women I know who did decide to get married and have kids (beautiful, beautiful families - I love being an auntie), and committed their lives to building a family instead of living a life of single adventure. I see the yearning in their eyes when I talk about my freedom and my adventurous lifestyle, just as I’m sure they see the yearning in my eyes when I see their faithful partners and beautiful children.
We wouldn’t switch places with each other, I know my friends love their spouses and families, but does the lingering ache of what might have been ever really go away? Maybe not.
The movie is called Mona Lisa Smile, and although I’ve watched it multiple times, I just figured out what it actually means.
The Mona Lisa Smile is the “it doesn’t matter how you feel inside, as long as you look good” smile.
I’m determined to live a life that feels good, at the expense of it looking good.
From an outsiders perspective, I seem lost.
But I know I am not lost, or maybe I am a little lost, but I know in this lostness, I’m finding.
“Not all who wander are aimless, especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image.” -Mona Lisa Smile
With Gratitude,
Kajelyn