You’re Free to be You
Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of information spread online about different personality disorders, attachment styles, relationship advice, disabilities, friendship patterns, etc.
There is information about different behavior patterns, how to “treat” them, how to get “these people” out of your lives, grey rocking, stonewalling, removal, distance.
Diagnose them so you can fit their expansive brain into your box. Put a code on it so you know exactly why and how people act this way. Make them make sense. Categorize them through their patterns. They’re showing you exactly who they are - believe them.
Here’s what I think - we have completely lost sight of what it means to just be a human. We have crazy expectations for everyone around us to fit in some perfect box, some perfect world, in some perfect category, and the minute they step out of that box - they become toxic.
What if the real toxicity is holding people at knife point to meet your needs, fit your standards, and to show up exactly how you need them to OR ELSE?
Is that not the most toxic thing of all?
It’s been my experience that people who are labelled toxic are the people who need the most love of all.
But instead of standing firming next to someone, we’re taught to run and hide.
“Protect your peace” they say.
Protect your energy.
Move away from them at all costs.
People who have long lines of trauma that have machestized into difficulty in relationships have become the leapors of todays society.
Here’s the funny thing… if you’re diagnosing people in your life with a disorder without talking to them about it, you’re actually the problem.
You can stonewall and grey rock all you want, but you’re the problem.
We all have toxic traits. We all have patterns that need to be addressed. We all have wounds. We’re all guilty, on any given day, of acting like a “narcissist”, an “avoidant”, an “anxious” attacher. To treat someone as though their wounds are worse than yours is the most toxic thing you can do to another human being.
If you need to remove yourself from someone, fine. That’s fine. But, understand that it’s actually against your nature and that’s why it takes so much intentionality on your end and causes so much pain on the other. It’s abnormal.
We’re a community based species - we thrive in togetherness and need each other to learn and grow. Our growth is stifled if we only surround ourselves with people who think the same as us, act the same as us, and move the exact same we do.
To do this is to openly admit we’re not interested in growth - we’re interested in being validated. We want to know that our thinking is completely correct, so we surround ourselves with people who justify it.
To me, to intentionally surround ourselves with people who are all the same is the saddest existence of all.
I would rather be placed in a room of people who are a beautiful bouquet of backgrounds, mindsets, “disabilities”, disorders, traumas, experiences, and behavior patterns than to be in a room of people who are all the same as me.
I don’t need everyone to fit in the same box for them to exist. You are free to build your own box to fit in. I don’t need you to act in accordance to what I think is right. I don’t need you to be anything but whatever version of yourself that you are on the day we have the pleasure of sharing a space. I can hold space for light and dark.
I don’t need perfection, I need you to be real. I understand real for you may be beyond my comprehension and that’s okay with me. It will not stop me from attempting to find some sort of common ground with you to build on. I will not shut you out because you don’t fit in the confines of what my brain is capable of comprehending.
I will not require you to be more like me to be around me.
I guess that’s the real thing, huh?
We want to be around people who are like us and anyone who is not, we remove ourselves from.
I guess it’s all for the best because I don’t want to be around people who need me to be more like them to survive. I want to be around people who need me to be more like me because they know we’re all unique in our gifts and each of us offer an important element to this world.
You’re free to be you around me.
With Gratitude,
Kajelyn