Balanced Effort

Sthira and Sukha. A way of life.

Sthira is the yogic principal of strength. Sukha is the yogic principal of ease.

The idea is that every posture and every sequence should be a mixture of the two.

I find that this is true for the seasons of life, as well.

Today is the day before the Spring Equinox. It’s been a long, dark, and emotional winter. One where I found myself, more often than not, sitting with big emotions that felt incredibly heavy. Big life changes, chapters ending, separation in relationships - and the full gambit of deep scars being uncovered and old scabs being picked open.

I was fortunate to have the space to allow myself to feel each of these big emotions fully.

When I needed to yell, I yelled. When I needed to cry, I cried. When I needed to sleep, I slept. When I needed to go, I went. Round and round, again.

There were times when it felt like it would never end. I would never be happy again, and this pain was going to swallow me whole.

Looking back, I know this wasn’t the pain of just one instance, but a lifetime of instances that all compounded to bring me right where I was - in the depths.

My old quick fix methods weren’t working anymore - getting drunk enough to say dumb shit I would pretty much always later regret, or getting so high I travelled to distant lands, solved all the worlds problems, and convinced myself that I knew pretty much everything about everything.

Completely unaware, or maybe totally aware but didn’t care, how much these substances were blocking me from the things I wanted most.

Like clockwork, once I let these “friends” go, the healing actually began.

I wonder if I had known sooner if I would’ve quit sooner, but something tells me there is no way I could’ve known - I had to get to this point.

My mantra lately has been “had to go there to get here” and this was no different. This mantra has helped me forgive myself for past mistakes, and to appreciate every part of my journey because I know I wouldn’t have ended up where I am had I not.

And right now, I’m so happy to be exactly where I am.

Like a cat in the sun, curled up in the top floor corner of the library - writing. My dream.

As I reflect on the winter past, I see a combination of sirtha and sukha.

Outwardly, I was (and still am) moving very slow. I can’t even say that I was intentionally moving with ease, because I was a hot mess most of the time. White knuckling, grabbing, running full speed, trying to figure out where to go next.

I like to think of me in this state as a boat propeller. Going full speed and pushing everything I want as far away from me as possible, repelling my blessings while thinking I was running toward them, “the hustle” some might say.

Outwardly, I was going nowhere. Inwardly, I couldn’t stop.

I knew this wasn’t the time for crazy diets and strenuous workouts. This was a time for resting, eating, and really just allowing myself to do what I needed to do to get through this. I don’t regret the extra eight pounds. Not one bit.

This outward rest was my sukha.

Internally, I was fighting the battle that required all of my strength.

The dark shadows of a lifetime of a seemingly revolving door of trauma had finally all come to the surface. It was time to face it all.

More importantly, it was time to face myself and the part I played.

Some parts were out of my control, but I did have control over the way I carried them around now - long after the scar had fused.

Others, I had to reflect on my actions and the damage I had done to others.

I had to take responsibility for the part I played in my own suffering.

This was my sthira.

Sounds like a nice, gooey, warm, chocolate chip cookie, right?

To endure the dark winter, I had to call on both sirtha and sukha - doing my best not to lean too heavily in either direction.

Finding both strength and ease in each posture of your life can be difficult.

Most of us are naturally more inclined to lean in one direction or the other, usually ending up in us getting sling shotted heavily into the opposite.

If you naturally lean more toward ease in the face of challenges, once you lean too far in, oftentimes you find yourself in a panic over all the things you should’ve been doing. This starts the cycle of moving at hyper speed - mistakes inevitable.

If you naturally lean more toward strength in the face of challenges, leaning in too far often looks like burnout and you find yourself sick or unable to meet the demands you’ve setup for yourself at the most inopportune time.

This is why balance is important. No more strength than ease, no more ease than strength.

Balance is knowing that every posture, every movement, every moment, takes both - strength and ease. It’s almost as though strength opens the door, and ease walks through it. Each playing an important role.

As Spring knocks on Winters door, whispering “you’ve done great. Watch how the seeds you’ve planted will bloom.”

I find myself feeling both strong and filled with ease knowing that forcing is never the way, but laying idle isn’t either.

The magic lies in our ability to balance the two.

With Gratitude,

Kajelyn