Making Fear my Friend

Someone said to me the recently that your fears are the demons of the 4th dimension and I haven’t really stopped thinking about it since.

You hear a lot about the 3rd and 5th dimension, but not really anything about the 4th.

The 3rd dimension is our human dimension, the one we’re in right now. The 5th dimension, from my understanding, is divinity. So what about the 4th?

When my hairstylist, Caden, said this - something clicked really deep in my soul.

Like, wow - maybe that’s the difference. Maybe that’s how I get from this human, anxious, unsettled, unbalanced state to the balanced, soulful, calm state I’m always searching for.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s right beyond my fear.

This one little sentence, which was given to me second hand from a supposably wonderful woman named Kathy that Caden unintentionally met in a cafe in Northern Massachusetts months ago, had awoken such a deep concept in me.

This weekend I went to my first show by myself.

When I was sitting on my floor drawing about a week ago, I saw this show come across my Bands in Town email - I knew I was going. I knew I was going and almost immediately, I knew exactly what I was going to wear too. I hoped on Amazon (judge me if you must), picked out all the right pieces and all the right ones came in time. I’m actually still waiting on some other ones… anywho…

I invited Jenn, Josh, and Zoe, but something inside me knew I was going to end up going alone. I had pretty much every excuse not to go. It was rainy, everyone bailed last minute, it was cold, a two hour drive, my car is kinda making a funny sound, ya know - the works.

But the last time I was going to go to a show by myself, I bailed at the last minute and regretted it. Looking back now, I know exactly why I didn’t go.

I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. So, despite all the reasons why I didn’t need to, I just focused on the one reason I felt like I did - I knew there was something there for me.

I drove the two hours in the rain and funny enough - angel numbers everywhere. 324, 325, 555, 333, 111 - over and over and over again. Once again, I knew I was on the right track.

I got to Jenn’s and got ready - my outfit coming together perfectly, and I drove to the show.

When I got there I sat in my car for a while and drank my N/A ginger beer - did I mention I was doing all of this sober? (Aside from a couple of hits of a joint, but ya know) - and I started to freak. What if I looked dumb? What if no one was there? What if I looked like a total loser? Should I have worn something a little less loud?

I called in reinforcements - my sister and Jenn - to build me up so I could at least get in the door.

I thought to myself “you’ve made it this far - you’re going in.”

As soon as I stepped outside and into the rain, feeling it softly touch my skin, I knew I was in the right space - I just simply needed to sit back and enjoy.

I walked in, after the doorman heavily checked my bag (not supposed to have backpacks but mine was borderline so he let me by and I’m pretty sure that guy has way better of an idea of what is in that thing than I do, no matter…) and it didn’t feel so bad.

There weren’t that many people there yet, so I tried to pull out my journal and do a little writing - ya know, make people think I was there for some work related thing and not just by myself - but low and behold, no pen.

Suddenly, I spotted a seat right next to the stage that had a small table and stools next to it. Most likely designated for girlfriends and family, but I didn’t really care.

Strange Machines came on stage and I just melted away into a happy oblivion. I was aware I was alone, in fish nets, right next to stage, kinda looking like I was trying to hook up with one of the members of the band, but I knew I wasn’t. I knew I was there because I liked the music.

I had the best time dancing by myself and just letting the music flow through me. It was beautiful, and I knew I was being incredibly brave - it felt good.

By the time Spafford came on, I like them but I was really there for Strange Machines, I was in a vibe. I felt a little weird because I was in fish nets but I also knew I looked adorable so I didn’t really care.

I danced and vibed and had such a nice time. When I looked at other people letting themselves be free, I knew I was safe to let myself be free as well. It was beautiful.

Once I realized I was quickly being surrounded by a group of guys, I decided I had had enough and it was time to atleast move spots. I could tell you what probably five of the people around me looked like because I just had to keep reminding myself that I was there for me and I needed to do what was right for me.

I made my way through the crowd, got a sprite and stood up on the steps for a little bit watching. Looking around at all of the people there - mostly guys, let’s be honest and it gave me a different view of life.

We all just really want to be free, and some of us are brave enough to find as many channels of freedom as possible - some of us are not.

I’m grateful that I am one of the ones that is.

So, if our fears are the demons of the fourth dimension, I faced one of the only ones I had left this weekend - going to a show alone.

I fear for all of you that this has made me completely unstoppable.

Where will she dare to go alone next?

See you in the 5th, my friends.

With Gratitude,

Kajelyn