The Potter & the Clay

It’s hurtful when words are carelessly flung in your direction.

I know because I have been both the flinger and the flingee of such words.

Most recently, '“insecure” has been the most harmful to me.

Flippantly tossed my way, as if the sender knew that it would pack a big no-fault punch because, after all, it was just an observation based on my behavior.

“I think you need to address on your insecurities” they said, “and I wish you the best in doing so.”

Door slammed.

Ouch.

What’s worse?

I not only accepted this label, but started embodying it.

Since then, more often than not, I found myself in a seemingly bottomless pit of unknowing and not trusting myself.

How could I possibly trust myself when I’m clearly so insecure?

Obviously, this person knows something about me that I don’t.

They must be right - I’m insecure and now I have to spend every bit of my energy trying not to be.

It was in the middle of Boston Chinatown that the spell finally broke, or maybe it had cracked multiple times over the last 6 months, but this time - I felt like it had finally shattered.

I was alone, per usual.

As I navigated Friday afternoon traffic downtown and made my way to a parking spot right in front of the Boston Commons (#winning!), I thought to myself…

“Do insecure people do this?”

I noted the thought, but let it pass.

I walked. Smiling, as I fully immersed myself in the wonderful smells of authentic food, the sweet sounds of street music, careful to breathe in the calm I’m always surprised to find in the center of a big city.

It was there that I asked myself again, “Do insecure people do this?”

This time, taking a moment to think it through.

“Do insecure people travel alone? Are insecure people unfazed by the fear of what “could happen”? Do they journey to the center of new cities and themselves, flipping over the universal rocks presented on the path?”

A week ago, my answer was no. In a different version of this blog, I suppose the answer still is.

A week ago I would’ve said something like…

“You know, the funny thing about secure people is they don’t feel the need to tell another person they’re insecure. They aren’t inclined to make someone feel small in order to feel more powerful. Secure people are so caught up in doing what they can to help those around them feel good about themselves, there is little time left to contemplate how to make someone feel bad about themselves. They’re too busy shining their light and hoping it helps illuminate someone else’s path.”

Don’t get me wrong, I suppose this is true. But as I think it through now, I wonder to myself, what about the space between insecure and secure?

Is this really a blanket statement?

Are we really all just insecure or secure, or are we a little of both at all times?

I think the latter is the most true.

I suppose, really, this blog has little to do with being insecure or secure, and everything to do with the effects we have on other people.

Prior to this rewrite, I said “security is found in those among us who know that telling others that we see all the magic they hold inside of them, doesn’t dim our own magic. It’s found in the people who have no time to point out your flaws because they are so enamored by your greatness. It’s found in those that are willing to take the big risks in the name of love, growth, and adventure - especially when there is little certainty.” …

I went on to say, “Secure people don’t have time to measure the timeline of your path, they’re just glad you found your way to it.”

But, now, I’ve concluded that joy is found in telling others that we see the magic they hold inside of them. Love is found in taking more time to see someone’s greatness than pointing out their flaws. Courage is found in those that are willing to take the big risks in the name of growth. Awareness is found in those that have no time to measure the timeline of your path, they’re just glad your found way to it.

This has nothing to do with security - because security, like certainty, can only really be found in the things behind us. There can be no security or certainty in anything ahead of us, not really.

We are not fully secure or insecure, and the idea that we are always one or the other, can actually stifle our growth.

So although this blog started as a message about insecurity and security, what I now see is that it has little to do with either (because they are an elusive and harmful brand that can never be all the way true).

No, this blog is about our effect on other people.

Think of it this way…

A potter doesn’t scream at a slab of clay “I think you should be a beautiful vase. I wish you the best in becoming one.”

A potter uses its knowledge, technique, and magic to help transform the slab of clay. The potter doesn’t poke holes in the framework, making the slab feel small and unimpressive - the potter simply notices the beauty shining through the slab, and shapes it into the beautiful vase it was always destined to be.

Joyful, loving, courageous, and aware people partake in the same sort of magic for those around them. I believe this is where the most security can be found.

Knowing I am all of the above, I felt the heavy weight of this “insecure” label lift off my shoulders, a valuable lesson having been learned.

First, to be mindful of the labels we adopt from other people. Someone telling you something about yourself does not make it true, unless you adopt it. It can be tricky to discern because just as we want to be open to feedback, we want to be well-liked. That said, sometimes it seems like other people already have that “well-liked” part figured out, so we should probably listen to them - they must know.

Second, to always consider the source. When we find ourselves on the receiving end of feedback, the first step should be to take a moment to decipher whether this feedback is coming from a place of love or a place of contempt. Feedback that is given from a place of love should be considered thoughtfully and combed through with self-compassion. Feedback given from a place of contempt should be tossed out immediately.

To move forward effectively in relationships and life, I think it’s important to recognize that we are all always the potter and the slab of clay.

What we say and do matters.

Each day, opportunities to use our knowledge, technique, and magic to transform ourselves and each other arise, and it’s a practice to recognize when those moments present themselves.

When we have an opportunity to exploit someone’s flaws and really hammer our point into them - can we find softness? Can we see this as an opportunity to take hold of their hand and help lift them up, rather than push them back down and keep walking?

When we intentionally show up in the world ready to be molded, I think we find more often than not, we are molding others too.

When these opportunities arise, I hope we use them to point out greatness, not weakness. I hope we see that security is found in those that choose to see the light in others and to help them see it too. That negative labels are readily available to us at all times, and we have to intentionally chose to act from a place of joy, love, courage, and awareness instead. I hope we remember that kindness will always go farther than cruelty.

So, when the inevitable choice to scream at the slab of clay or mold the slab of clay arises, I hope we mold from a place of love. And when we have the unfortunate experience of being the slab of clay that is yelled at, I hope we chose forgiveness and love anyway.

With Gratitude,

Kajelyn